Vulnerability

"We share with people who earned the right to hear our story" - Dr. Brene Brown

Today marked a new season for me. Just as the changing colors of the foliage and falling leaves showcase the incoming autumn in NY so did the ripened scent of the harvest in my life ruminate my world. This day began much like many other Sundays for me. Getting the children ready for church, prepping music for our monthly visit to a local juvenile detention center. Nothing seeming different, yet everything had changed. As I began to sing to the small group of teen boys and girls gathered in the chapel something in my heart broke as it did the first time I stepped into this arena. A long misplaced sense of urgency to meet the needs of these youth, to advocate, to pray and intercede for them rose up within me. A resolve to do more than share a song...it was the beginning of the harvest.

As I later made my way to service I was moved to tears, repentance and restoration by our guest speaker who voiced an inspired word on giving God "Ugly Praise" that didn't worry about what others thought or said, but only about conveying our love and devotion to the God who has always loved us. I stood prostrate before my savior overwhelmed and humbled in the presence of his majesty. I felt him whisper into my soul how deeply and truly he loved me, how he carried me through this storm when I could no longer go on, how he would never let harm come my way. How he will always be there, devoted wholly to me. 

Today I fell deeper in love with my God, my Lord, my friend, my everything. Today he told me its over now, it's time to move forward. No more mourning, no more shame, just love, just peace, just His grace. 

And so as I "dare greatly" to once again put pen to paper (or fingers to keypad) I know that I have a story to share, a song to sing, a book to write. I hope to use this medium to share these growing pains, to hold myself accountable to moving forward as God accomplishes the good works he has planned for me long ago. I ask that you join me on the ride of lifetime...stay tuned. 

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You've turned my heart of stone
into a heart of flesh
that it might love gain
that it might dare to believe it does exist
beyond the brokenness

Beyond the darkness
is the day,
beyond the rain, thunder and lightning
is a promise in the sky
arched and brightly arrayed

my heart receives it
and responds with hope

Reconciliation

Matthew 5:23-24

23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.




Thank you. Thank you Lord for the healing and breakthrough you given me today. It has been a culmination of all that you have to begin to do in me within the last two weeks.

From the moment I walked into your house I knew something would be changed, I knew that I had to do something. Throughout praise & worship I drew closer to your throne and you held me tightly in your arms. You were preparing me for something. At the time I didn't know what it could be. As your message of showing love to least of these went forth my open heart observed and absorbed all that you were saying. And then I saw her.

I looked straight in from of me and knew it had to be her sitting in the front row. She had once been my closest, most trusted friend. And I over the years lost sight of that and in turn caused her indescribable pain. I had once made a poor attempt at a confession and apology. I knew she deserved more. She deserved to hear my voice, to see my repentance and decide for herself. As my heart tugged at me I knew what I had to do. I knew that it was time.

And so I went. I cast all fear and pride aside and I went to her. My heart pounding inside me anticipating her reaction, thinking of the possible rejection. I walked up to her, took a deep breath and called her name. She turned to face me, startled to find it was I who had called her name. And looking into my eyes, she knew why I had come. Before I could say anything else she embraced me. And my heart both broken and healed received her tender mercy. I cried in the crook of her neck how sorry I was for hurting her, for not being a good friend to her. I asked for her forgiveness and told her how much I loved her.

She told me that she had forgiven me long ago and had wanted to to come and talk but like me didn't for so long. We shared how proud we are of each other and I told her how beautiful she has always been and how often she filled my prayers. We hugged each other tightly just like we had the day she left for Georgia, back when I was thirteen and still so very innocent. We promised we would speak next week and I knew we sincerely meant it. We left that embrace better off than we had previously been...reconciled with one another.

Thank you Lord, thank you. I never thought this day would come or myself worthy of her forgiveness, friendship or love. I stand yet again amazed at your love, amazed at your plans.

Reflecting on Love

" To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell." -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Our God is so faithful. I think of my own life and how he has continuously pursued me, relentlessly intent on capturing my heart. He has quieted my life so as to reveal himself to me in ways I had never imagined. In finding out who he is in my life, my savior, my lover, my creator...I have begun to find out who I am. Who he has called me to be. He is answering the deepest of questions in my heart...He has called me lovely. This morning I was reading a psalm that seems to capture just a moment of what the last few days have been between me and my lover.

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet.

You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips...

Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart
what I say.

Forget your people and your family far away.
For your royal husband delights in your beauty;
honor him; for he is your lord. " Psalm 45:1-2,10-11

Sometimes we must be completely still to hear His voice,
to be sensitive to his touch and open to his will.
Thank you Lord for this time of renewal,
for the healing waters that flow through me.
Thank you for opening my heart to the hope of tomorrow,
to the promise of restoration.
And so I will dare to love...deeply.
I will build relationships which encourage, uplift and inspire.
I am at rest in the beauty you see in me,
in the beauty I now see in myself.
I will strive no longer for what this world has to offer,
for in you alone I am complete.