“If we must part forever, Give me but one kind word to think upon, And please myself with, while my heart’s breaking.” ~Thomas Otway
This past week has brought so many things I could not have imagined, and while many will take weeks and months to process...I must address the state of my heart.
It is broken. Shattered in pieces too numerous to count, and though there is one who can restore, rebuild and renew...the pain I am feeling is indescribable.
So instead, I will describe the love we shared. It was natural, not forced or put on. I grew closer with every conversation we had, with every moment we shared and it was divine. While I cannot predict the future, my hope and faith lies in him who has never failed me and has foreseen every minute of my life as he himself is the Author of it. Today he holds me a little bit closer as he collects the fragmented pieces of me which lie shattered on the ground. He has promised to rebuild me like he rebuilds his holy city and in him alone I put my faith.
The hardest day yet since we parted...I had today. To see you walking towards me, seemingly whole, seemingly fine...while all within me cried out to you "Why? Why? Was I not enough? Was I too much? Was our love not enough?" All of this emotion causing me to run away, rather than face the facts. I am no longer yours, and you are not mine. This is not FOREVER.
FOREVER is gone.
"The purest joy in the world is joy in Christ Jesus. When the Spirit is poured down, his people get very near and clear views of the Lord Jesus. They eat his flesh and drink his blood. They come to a personal cleaving to the Lord. They taste that the Lord is gracious. His blood and righteousness appear infinitely perfect, full and free to their soul. They sit under his shadow with great delight. . . . They lean on the Beloved. They find infinite strength in him for the use of their soul -- grace for grace -- all they can need in any hour of trial and suffering to the very end."
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