Seasons Change...

September is here and summer draws to a close with every passing day. Labor Day brought with it a few clouds and the necessity of a sweater. Leaves have begun to lose their color and the weaker of trees have already began to shed.

As the summer pinks, whites and bright greens transform into autumn's yellows, auburns and browns I look back over my year. January brought with it a new year and hope for new beginnings.

As I celebrated Valentine's Day in the arms of a loved one, I couldn't imagine that March and April would bring with it confusion and compromise. Stability or at least the perception of it lost and intimacy with the saviour found. Found in the still of the night, in the solitary walks in the rain.

As summer blossoms began to bloom June brought with it death...death of love, hopes and dreams...perhaps due to overwatering of attention and time. A death that has taken the months of July, August and yes September to fully see...

A flowered plucked before it's time, a plant uprooted before it's fruit is harvested. And so what is left you ask? Soil, the gardener and the rain...oh yes and the few seeds that fell to the ground. The soil is the land that He has given. The seed is what I have to sow. The gardener...well that's me, and the rain...that's the Lord. His blessings, his perfect will and time.

I pray that as I tend to your garden and sow the seeds you have given me that you release blessing on the land like rain and produce for your kingdom everlasting fruit!

The Harvest

Storms are brewing overhead
and beneath our feet the earth is quaking.

The time is near,
the seeds are sown,
our fruit is ripe for the taking.

And while His spirit produces gems
like patience, peace and joy,
there is a snake in our garden
who seeks to destroy,
all that the Lord has built
within His house, home and our hearts.

Lord open up our eyes to see
the devil's fiery darts
that aim to cause confusion,
pain and division.

Lord open our ears
so that we might listen,
to the promises given to your people long ago.
For now and & forever
we'll reap what we sow.

So we uproot bitterness, anger and pride.
You have no place in this house,
no place in our lives.

We open up our mouths to speak,
though we sow in tears,
in joy we'll reap.

People and Trees

People are like trees. Some grow straight up and branch in all directions. Still there are others whose branches are knotted within themselves like a Bonzai tree but well manicured on the surface. And then there are those whose branches move with the wind while their leaves blow with the breeze drooping to the ground.



I wonder, what kind of tree am I?

In Your Garden

To be in your garden for just one day

To sit in the glory of what your hands have made

To taste of your fruits and drink in your smells

To wal kdown the paths your feet have tread

To sit and talk awhile, this is what the heart longs for

Life with you before the fall.

Letting Go

“Let go” he whispers softly in my ear

My heart breaks at his request

“Give him unto me” he gently chides

and “I will, I will but not yet”, I stubbornly reply

First please answer my question,

“Why? Why?”

All is silent. All is still,

‘cept for my falling tears and aching heart.

“Although you love him well,

you must know I loved him from the start.”

“I do Lord, I know it to be true.

But why can’t I love him along with you?”

“Beloved, all this I ask of you

is nothing less than what I’ve asked of him too.

I’m asking you to both let go,

Your love is shown in this.

Surrender all to me alone

For to you I promise this

In due season you shall reap a harvest

Plentiful and ripe

If you do not lose heart,

If walk you by faith instead of sight”

And so my heart is not lost, it is your hands.

And my walk is by faith, faith that we shall meet again.

While My Heart's Breaking

“If we must part forever, Give me but one kind word to think upon,

And please myself with, while my heart’s breaking.” ~Thomas Otway

This past week has brought so many things I could not have imagined, and while many will take weeks and months to process...I must address the state of my heart.

It is broken. Shattered in pieces too numerous to count, and though there is one who can restore, rebuild and renew...the pain I am feeling is indescribable.

So instead, I will describe the love we shared. It was natural, not forced or put on. I grew closer with every conversation we had, with every moment we shared and it was divine. While I cannot predict the future, my hope and faith lies in him who has never failed me and has foreseen every minute of my life as he himself is the Author of it. Today he holds me a little bit closer as he collects the fragmented pieces of me which lie shattered on the ground. He has promised to rebuild me like he rebuilds his holy city and in him alone I put my faith.

The hardest day yet since we parted...I had today. To see you walking towards me, seemingly whole, seemingly fine...while all within me cried out to you "Why? Why? Was I not enough? Was I too much? Was our love not enough?" All of this emotion causing me to run away, rather than face the facts. I am no longer yours, and you are not mine. This is not FOREVER.

FOREVER is gone.

The Staircase

I took a stroll with the Lord today. He led me to a long staircase in the middle of a park surrounded by wilderness. And since I had just come from a two-hour workout at the gym (alright, I spent one hour in between the steam room, sauna and shower) I looked up at the massive staircase looming before me and said aloud "Lord are you serious? Do you really want me to go up there right now?"

And almost as if you chuckled a little, my heart heard your reply.

"This staircase is your life. With each few steps there is a landing, a place to rest. But of course, you're not meant to stay there. For at the top of the staircase, beyond where you can see, awaits a beautiful destiny held only for you. A place I am preparing for your arrival. Now from down there, you can only see a few flights of stairs so you will have to rust in me. And though all around you is wilderness and worn paths to the unknown, I've made this path just for you and I to travel on and I will keep you safe. Stay on course and follow me as my spirit guides. When I lead you a landing, to a place of rest, do just that...Rest. For before you lies another set of stairs and along with it another piece of the puzzle to your completion. Walk and by faith you will find all you seek."

Thank you Lord for speaking to me in such a special and real way. I will rest now, knowing that there lies so much more before me and trusting that you are my guide. I know that your plan for my life will lead me straight to your heavenly throne. I love you. I am your humbled servant and slave, for you are the Lord of my life. Lead me home.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase..." Martin Luther King Jr.   

Dying to Live

Many days have passed since I've written anything, not that the power of your Holy Spirit isn't transforming me...but perhaps I thought so me things were better kept to myself. But yesterday I experienced such an intimate moment in worship I find it necessary to share.

I stood in service  praising the Lord in song as the worship leader shared about a personal experience in which God moved on her behalf...and instantaneously my heart remembered all of the times I have been delivered from the consequences of my own sin and circumstances beyond my control.

I remember the nights I cried in  the hospital unsure of whether or not my unborn child would survive while battling the thoughts in my mind that I would not. Tomorrow I will celebrate my  eldest son's 9th birthday. God has been faithful.

I remember walking into a home I never should have been in and not knowing if I'd be able to walk out because the man in the home was high as a kite and holding a shotgun...but God saw me through that horrible situation. And because he has I know there must be a plan for me.  

One night spent in jail I met my maker...we had a one on one conversation. He told me that he loved me in spite of my flaws and because of them. He told me that he created me perfect in sight and unique. He said my flaws and faults remind me that I can't do a thing without him , His power works best in my weakness. 

He showed his love for me every time I've fallen...and most importantly he loved me when he bore the cross for  my sake.He died for me, so that in Him I can live.And I die to myself everyday...so that in me, He can live. 

I want nothing in this life if it doesn't bring you the glory Lord. I am seeking you, come dwell in me...all the days of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reconciliation

Matthew 5:23-24

23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.




Thank you. Thank you Lord for the healing and breakthrough you given me today. It has been a culmination of all that you have to begin to do in me within the last two weeks.

From the moment I walked into your house I knew something would be changed, I knew that I had to do something. Throughout praise & worship I drew closer to your throne and you held me tightly in your arms. You were preparing me for something. At the time I didn't know what it could be. As your message of showing love to least of these went forth my open heart observed and absorbed all that you were saying. And then I saw her.

I looked straight in from of me and knew it had to be her sitting in the front row. She had once been my closest, most trusted friend. And I over the years lost sight of that and in turn caused her indescribable pain. I had once made a poor attempt at a confession and apology. I knew she deserved more. She deserved to hear my voice, to see my repentance and decide for herself. As my heart tugged at me I knew what I had to do. I knew that it was time.

And so I went. I cast all fear and pride aside and I went to her. My heart pounding inside me anticipating her reaction, thinking of the possible rejection. I walked up to her, took a deep breath and called her name. She turned to face me, startled to find it was I who had called her name. And looking into my eyes, she knew why I had come. Before I could say anything else she embraced me. And my heart both broken and healed received her tender mercy. I cried in the crook of her neck how sorry I was for hurting her, for not being a good friend to her. I asked for her forgiveness and told her how much I loved her.

She told me that she had forgiven me long ago and had wanted to to come and talk but like me didn't for so long. We shared how proud we are of each other and I told her how beautiful she has always been and how often she filled my prayers. We hugged each other tightly just like we had the day she left for Georgia, back when I was thirteen and still so very innocent. We promised we would speak next week and I knew we sincerely meant it. We left that embrace better off than we had previously been...reconciled with one another.

Thank you Lord, thank you. I never thought this day would come or myself worthy of her forgiveness, friendship or love. I stand yet again amazed at your love, amazed at your plans.

Birds - an observation

Birds sing even in the rain. Life is much like the weather. While you generally know what season you're in, you cannot fully predict nor attempt to control the ever-changing weather. While yesterday brought sunshine and warmth, this morning brought with it clouds and rain. Rain that will nourish the soil and cause things to grow. Lord I do hope that the rainy days in my life have the same affect. That they nourish the soil within me causing life to spring forth.


And still I notice this One constant...the birds still sing. Whether or not the sun is shining. Whether they are wet or dry, cold or hot. Lord may I sing as they do, in rain or shine.

Reflecting on Love

" To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell." -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Our God is so faithful. I think of my own life and how he has continuously pursued me, relentlessly intent on capturing my heart. He has quieted my life so as to reveal himself to me in ways I had never imagined. In finding out who he is in my life, my savior, my lover, my creator...I have begun to find out who I am. Who he has called me to be. He is answering the deepest of questions in my heart...He has called me lovely. This morning I was reading a psalm that seems to capture just a moment of what the last few days have been between me and my lover.

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet.

You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips...

Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart
what I say.

Forget your people and your family far away.
For your royal husband delights in your beauty;
honor him; for he is your lord. " Psalm 45:1-2,10-11

Sometimes we must be completely still to hear His voice,
to be sensitive to his touch and open to his will.
Thank you Lord for this time of renewal,
for the healing waters that flow through me.
Thank you for opening my heart to the hope of tomorrow,
to the promise of restoration.
And so I will dare to love...deeply.
I will build relationships which encourage, uplift and inspire.
I am at rest in the beauty you see in me,
in the beauty I now see in myself.
I will strive no longer for what this world has to offer,
for in you alone I am complete.

More of You (worship song)

Verse:

Here I am on my knees once again

trying to figure out what went wrong

was it not that I tried

to do what's right

on you didn't I stand

But as the winds blow

and the flowers grow

so goes the seasons in my life

and when it's hard

when it's hard

to you I'll run

Chorus:

Won't you cover me

don't you hear my plea

Lord I'm calling out to you

In my secret place

Lord I'll seek your face

I need more, more, more of you

(repeat)

(Verse)

(Chorus 2x)

Vamp:

More Love

More Power

More of you in my life

I need more

(4x)

(Chorus)

Your Love for Me

Lord in this time of uncertainty there is one thing I hold onto,

your love for me.

Your love has seen me through divorce and separation,

through abuse and neglect.

Your love has seen me through my troubled teens and

miles of regret.

Your love has seen me through heartbreak and abandonment,

through death and denial.

Your love has led me to salvation and numerous times of reconciliation.

Your love has rescued me from unseen dangers and saved me from

my own decisions.

Your love chastises me when necessary, never falters or fails.

Even when I waver, your love never does.

It is unfailing, unyielding, enduring and everlasting.

And while I know not what tomorrow brings, what it may give or take away.

I know that in your hands my future you hold, safe and secure.

My children will grow and all at once seem to sprout wings and fly,

And if the love I hold so dear should up and leave, I will live and not die.

Because of you.

Because of your love.

Reflecting on Deuteronomy 1:31 NLT "You saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child."